I’ve become just like B in this story. Fking hell. It hurts one thousand times more when you’re the one that does it.

I kinda miss being the person I was when I posted some of these things here. Or have I really changed? I might still be that person, with most of her obsession, hope, sorrow, and anger redirected to something that wasn’t really there before.

我在我系根本看不到一点未来,没有任何一个奖是可能属于我的,也没有一寸上升的空间。也罢,我都已经跑路了,我系也不再是我系,还有什么好说呢。
我也不知道为何我从来都成不了也特别爱校的学生,甚至现在也很快就要毕业照不拍纪念品不买地走了。总有一些瓜葛。

I will definitely miss you guys ☺️ (ugh actually no I wanna get the fuck out of here as soon as possible, in the speed of light if I can help it. There aren’t many things that I actually regret, but taking a class with these people? Not a fking chance.

I suddenly remembered that one person I met one month ago who’s so good looking, and smart, apparently. I know I need to get my ass moving so that I can be like them. But HOW?

太多话想说了反而不知道从哪说起……归根结底还是希望人要只是一个纯粹的个体,不要附加上家庭、群体、社区、国家的属性就好了。我从来都只想追求真相,不想站边。

我真的没觉得我有哪里厉害……我的确很想证明自己,可那很大程度是因为自尊……绝大多数时候我对自己毫无信心。

有见过谁得到的称赞越多,就越抑郁或者焦虑的吗?我就是。

I’m like, the perfectest exemplar of imposter syndrome ever and I knew it. It’s exactly like drowning: you’re suffocating and suffering from knowing you’re suffocating and being unable to do anything about it.

我有两种理由放声大哭,一是因为又要修改design而悲痛欲绝,二是因为我教授世界第一好😭

I felt that application was like a treasonous gesture now that I know he really thinks that I can do something great. I am afraid that my performance during the interview might have disappointed him (or at least his protege).

I kinda have this impression... but really, I don’t deserve compliments like that. I don’t think I deserved that after one disastrous presentation. How can anyone have so much faith in me? I don’t understand, but I’m so grateful.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don’t know what to say. Can’t be more grateful.

至于我导,我导从不表露自己的态度。做得好,I’m good with what you have;做得不好,一句话也没有。不过我觉得他下学期末应该意识到我大概率要跑路的,就算不改跟我mp方向的教授也会跑去别的学校……所以也就没有很在意系里是否给我钱。随便吧,就算之前没带过,他也应该清楚硕士生流动性大。

然后他学生是什么感想我也不知道,反正他也带不了博士生其实。昨天面试他学生就插了两句话,想看下我的毕业论文。我的话不就是想变得跟他的protégées一样强才申这些学校的嘛……本校的条件有限,我继续待下去真的希望渺茫。

过了将近三个月后,我终于明白我申请我教授学生所在的项目他是什么心态了😂 “说了可以继续跟我干还不愿意,居然想跑去跟我学生??”
那天聊起佛州我俩大概是各怀鬼胎,相互试探:
一边“对了我有申这个项目,还在等消息”
一边“你想跟那边的谁?”
“第一意向是做a方向的xx”
“那b方向呢?你跟谁?”
“嗯,我还想跟yy”
“……你知道yy是我学生吧?”
“我知道,他跟你合写好多篇文章不是嘛”
双方的表情都很微妙(

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Pawoo

Pawoo(パウー)はラッセルが運営するMastodonのインスタンス(サーバー)です。 「創作活動や自由なコミュニケーションを楽しめる場」として、どなたにも幅広く使っていただけます。