零个妥 @ruthlllex04@pawoo.net

I’ve become just like B in this story. Fking hell. It hurts one thousand times more when you’re the one that does it.

I kinda miss being the person I was when I posted some of these things here. Or have I really changed? I might still be that person, with most of her obsession, hope, sorrow, and anger redirected to something that wasn’t really there before.

我在我系根本看不到一点未来，没有任何一个奖是可能属于我的，也没有一寸上升的空间。也罢，我都已经跑路了，我系也不再是我系，还有什么好说呢。
我也不知道为何我从来都成不了也特别爱校的学生，甚至现在也很快就要毕业照不拍纪念品不买地走了。总有一些瓜葛。

I will definitely miss you guys ☺️ (ugh actually no I wanna get the fuck out of here as soon as possible, in the speed of light if I can help it. There aren’t many things that I actually regret, but taking a class with these people? Not a fking chance.

I suddenly remembered that one person I met one month ago who’s so good looking, and smart, apparently. I know I need to get my ass moving so that I can be like them. But HOW?

我的时间线怎么没了？？

操他的，人类还是灭绝算了。

太多话想说了反而不知道从哪说起……归根结底还是希望人要只是一个纯粹的个体，不要附加上家庭、群体、社区、国家的属性就好了。我从来都只想追求真相，不想站边。

唉。

我真的没觉得我有哪里厉害……我的确很想证明自己，可那很大程度是因为自尊……绝大多数时候我对自己毫无信心。

有见过谁得到的称赞越多，就越抑郁或者焦虑的吗？我就是。

I’m like, the perfectest exemplar of imposter syndrome ever and I knew it. It’s exactly like drowning: you’re suffocating and suffering from knowing you’re suffocating and being unable to do anything about it.

我有两种理由放声大哭，一是因为又要修改design而悲痛欲绝，二是因为我教授世界第一好😭

I felt that application was like a treasonous gesture now that I know he really thinks that I can do something great. I am afraid that my performance during the interview might have disappointed him (or at least his protege).

I kinda have this impression... but really, I don’t deserve compliments like that. I don’t think I deserved that after one disastrous presentation. How can anyone have so much faith in me? I don’t understand, but I’m so grateful.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don’t know what to say. Can’t be more grateful.

社恐活得好累……

至于我导，我导从不表露自己的态度。做得好，I’m good with what you have；做得不好，一句话也没有。不过我觉得他下学期末应该意识到我大概率要跑路的，就算不改跟我mp方向的教授也会跑去别的学校……所以也就没有很在意系里是否给我钱。随便吧，就算之前没带过，他也应该清楚硕士生流动性大。

然后他学生是什么感想我也不知道，反正他也带不了博士生其实。昨天面试他学生就插了两句话，想看下我的毕业论文。我的话不就是想变得跟他的protégées一样强才申这些学校的嘛……本校的条件有限，我继续待下去真的希望渺茫。

过了将近三个月后，我终于明白我申请我教授学生所在的项目他是什么心态了😂 “说了可以继续跟我干还不愿意，居然想跑去跟我学生？？”
那天聊起佛州我俩大概是各怀鬼胎，相互试探：
一边“对了我有申这个项目，还在等消息”
一边“你想跟那边的谁？”
“第一意向是做a方向的xx”
“那b方向呢？你跟谁？”
“嗯，我还想跟yy”
“……你知道yy是我学生吧？”
“我知道，他跟你合写好多篇文章不是嘛”
双方的表情都很微妙（